I’ve been a bit down lately, as you may have guessed from some of my previous posts. I haven’t enjoyed having a baby as much as I thought I would, and I’ve been feeling extremely tired and pretty frustrated at times. Liv wonders if I’m depressed, but I think it’s too early for that. I’m probably just tired. That’s the most logical cause of my troubles. However, I have made a doctors appointment for a couple of weeks from now, just in case things don’t improve.
And I think it’s also the shock of caring for a newborn baby has thrown everything out of whack and I’m struggling to deal with it. That, coupled with sleep deprivation, isn’t a recipe for happiness. Some of it is my personality: I just do what I want to do, and I don’t do things that annoy me. But now I don’t have a choice – I have a kid now, and he deserves to have the best dad possible.
I had a great sleep last night and feel better today, so I think getting sleep may help. I also need to exercise more, and make time to do things I enjoy. So I’m going to focus on these things and see if my mood improves. Some of it is also an attitude shift: I need to put everything into Jasper because these early weeks are when we’re forming our bond which we’ll have for the rest of our lives. His little brain is just starting to respond to us, and I want him to know that I’m his Dad and I love him. I know I’ve complained a lot about him and our life but I do love him to bits, and I am so proud that I get to call myself his dad, and tell everyone he is my son. Here are my favourite five things I love about Jasper so far.
When he falls asleep on me
This is the best! He doesn’t do it often, but if you catch him in the right mood, usually after a feed, and you rock him just right with his head on your shoulder, he’ll fall asleep. And then he’ll fall into this really deep baby sleep where his face goes all red and you just know he’s completely out to it. And then he curls up onto you and his arms sit on you like he is giving you a cuddle. He also makes cute little baby noises and it’s the greatest feeling.
That he’s so alert
I love watching him look around. He’s been a pretty alert baby from the start but now he’s really noticing what’s going on. Above his change table in his room is some small pom poms on the wall. He is mesmerised by them. Even if he’s crying, put him on the table and when he notices them he calms right down. It’s weird!
He notices other patterns too. His favourite things are the set of six picture frames we have hanging above our couch in the lounge. And he actually loves looking at my records, which are quite low down on a shelf next to his play mat. So when he’s lying there he’ll turn his head and look at the records. I guess it’s the range of colours he’s interested in (hopefully some day I can get him interested in the music, too!).
That he looks a bit like me
Some people say he looks a lot like me, but I’m not sure. I do know he has my weird ears, though – they don’t fold over at the top. So I know he’s mine! But I thought it was just so cool that even when he was a few days old, I recognised myself in him. I know this is an evolutionary thing – dads are supposed to see themselves in their kids so they know they’re theirs and they don’t run off. But sometimes I really do feel like I’m looking back at a mini version of me. So is it like, really narcissistic to say I also think he’s ridiculously good looking?
How much he enjoys bath time
I’m so glad he’s gotten to like his baths. He hated his first few. But with each one he’s grown to like them. Now, he just lies there, looking back at me. It’s so sweet. No crying or anything, just a few kicks. I love holding him in my arm and gently splashing the warm water over his belly. He can’t tell me much right now, but I know from the way he looks up at me – and the lack of crying – that he loves it.
Our feedings times
While Liv has had her battles with feeding, such as not having as much milk as she’d like, it has given Jasper and I an opportunity to bond over the bottle. It’s quite nice that we can have these little moments where I feed him. If he’s cranky because he’s hungry, I love watching his face change immediately as I give him the bottle. He just starts sucking and then looks straight into my eyes with those beautiful blues. His little hands move a little bit, fingers flexing, as he enjoys his meal. I know it’s the baby equivalent of me digging into a huge plate of Buffalo wings (i.e. heaven). It’s such a lovely little time for us.
I know as he changes so rapidly I will find new things I enjoy about him every day. And Jasper, if you ever read this, just in case there was any doubt, Dad loves you so much. I promise I always will.
Listening to: A Ghost is Born by Wilco