When Liv was pregnant we talked of writing a letter to our future son to open when he was older. We never did. Liv’s taking over the blog today, on the one year anniversary of finding out we were pregnant, to do just that.
Hey gorgeous boy.
It is one year since we found out we were having you. It was the Tuesday after Labour weekend 2016. My period didn’t come on the Friday like I’d expected. The next day, the Saturday, I did a pregnancy test. It was negative. But I just knew it was wrong. Something felt different. That night we went to Gran Nan and Poppa T’s for his birthday and Thanksgiving. We found out your Aunty Anna and Uncle Jonny were pregnant with your cousin Tigerlily. Your Gran Nan said to me, “It will be your turn soon”. And I said yup, because I knew. I knew I was pregnant. My period still hadn’t come so the following Tuesday afternoon as we were driving home from work I made your dad stop at the supermarket and get another pregnancy test. He got the fancy one. We rushed home and I peed on the stick and left it in the bathroom. After the three minutes I made him go in to see. I was so sure I was pregnant I don’t think I could have handled seeing anything other than a positive sign. Your dad walked out smiling and in that moment I became your mumma.
The next week I went to the doctor to get it confirmed. She did a quick ultrasound to confirm I was pregnant and let me see you, a tiny dot, on the screen. I could have stared at that dot for hours. She suggested I pretend that I didn’t know when my last period was so I could be sent for a dating scan and get to hear your heartbeat. So we waited till the end of the following week and went for an ultrasound. The technician turned up the volume and as your heartbeat filled the room, your dad and I had the hugest smiles on our faces. You suddenly became so real. Over the next few weeks as we drove into the city to work each day I would look at the app on my phone to see what you’d grown that day – eyelashes, fingernails, eyebrow, etc. I was so excited to wake up each morning and find out more about you. We knew our 12 week scan to check on you was the week before Christmas. Christmas is my favourite time of the year but I just couldn’t get into it until I knew you were OK. Seeing you on the monitor was incredible. This tiny little body kicking around. They couldn’t find your nose, which scared the hell out of me. No doubt you will do that lots over the years. We went back, and there it was. You were good. A few days later we got the blood test results back and got told the chance of anything being wrong with you was extremally low. It was the best Christmas present I could have got.
The countdown began to the 20 week scan so we could find out whether you were a boy or a girl. When I was only a few weeks pregnant I had a dream that we were leaving the hospital with you and I got angry at your dad and said, “Where is Rocket’s car seat?”. You were a boy in my dream (Aren’t you pleased we didn’t call you Rocket?!). However, I quickly decided you were a girl because of how damn sick I was. If you ever become a carbo-holic you can blame me. When I wasn’t throwing up or dying with nausea I lived off a diet of potatoes, pasta, cous cous, bagels and crumpets. I learnt that pancakes are great to throw up, but Mexican and Indian is the worst 😊. About a week before the scan, though, I changed my mind. You were definitely a boy. Your Dad wanted to find out what you were in a reveal in front of family. But I wanted to find out with just him. I twisted his arm. A few minutes after the scan we got into the car and opened the envelope the technician had given us.
You were a boy. My little boy.
Over the next few months we got more and more excited to meet you. The night before that scan I felt you move for the first time. You slowly got more and more active and each night I’d look forward to you wriggling as I sat on the couch. It was the most reassuring thing in the world. We got your room ready, bought way too many things for you and signed up to antenatal classes. I think that’s when it became real for your dad – hearing of all the things that could go wrong during birth. Most of the information for me went in one ear and out the other. I didn’t care how you were born as long as you were here and safe. But we made some cool friends. Hopefully when you read this you will still be pals with some of them.
Slowly the countdown got more and more real. I stopped working and waited for you to come. I never felt nervous about the birth, I was just so excited to meet you. When the midwife put you on my chest I couldn’t quite believe it. After all of these years of talking about having a baby, you were finally here. Most newborns are ugly, and some people may think you were, but to me you were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. You had your Dad’s big blue eyes and his funny ears. You were so alert. You looked up at us like you knew who we were and posed like a champ for photos. You gripped my finger and held on for ages. I never wanted to let go. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.
At the maternity unit your Dad would go home each night and it was just the two of us. I barely slept. I was too busy watching you. I didn’t want to miss a moment. On the first night you were hysterical. I stood there and rocked you for hours. Eventually you went to sleep and I was so proud of us. We did it. We could do this. We later found out you were just hungry. Typical Allison-Wix. A few days later we got to take you home. I was so excited to finally have you in our space with Rocko, your dog. I feel like that time was a fog. Mostly you just ate and slept. But each day you surprised me with something else.
In the first month I loved your funny facial expressions. As your mum I’m supposed to know what you need by your cry, but with you, babe, it was your funny facials. My favourite part of those first few weeks was having baths with you. You’d lie on my chest, calm as anything, and just look into my eyes. I’d love to know what you were thinking.
In the second month my favourite thing was your smile. You started to give it to us when you were about six weeks old. This gorgeous gummy smile. I always know you are about to smile because your right eye sparkles just before your lips move. I quickly realised I’d do anything to get that smile. I became an expert at stupid noises and facial expressions.
When you were three months old you began to babble. We can have long conversations, you and me. I don’t know what on earth you are saying but I love hearing your voice. A couple of weeks ago you started to make this high pitch squeal when you smile. It is the cutest. I squeal at you and you squeal back at me.
You’re almost four months old now and you are so strong. You love to stand all the time while we hold you. If you’re ever upset we let you stand and you are happy again. You also began to roll recently. Each new thing you do makes me so proud.
Your dad is also so proud of you. You lucked out with him- he is the best dad.When I was pregnant he did everything for us so we could rest. When I was in labour he made me feel strong and was the best cheerleader. When you were born he was so proud, he couldn’t stop looking at you and touching you. In those first few days he did everything for you while I learned to feed you. You probably know he was a bit down for a few weeks when you were little, but I can tell you that even through that he utterly adored you. You and him have the most special bond now. He rushes home each day to see you and scoops you up and covers you in kisses. You are always on the lookout for him- checking that he is nearby and your face lights up when you see him. You are so lucky to have him. He is kind and caring and loyal and funny. I hope you grow up to be just like him.
I can’t believe it has been a year since we found out about you. It has been the hardest most tiring year of my life but easily the best. I would do it a million times over again for you.
I can’t wait to see all the things you will achieve in your life. Your Dad and I often talk about what you will be like and what you will do. We don’t care. All we want for you is to be happy, kind, respectful and open minded. Everything else will fall into place. Just be you.
I wanted you for so long and babe and you’ve been so worth the wait. You are the light and joy of my life. You’re my scope of everything, everywhere.
No matter what happens in your life, know that I am so proud of you and that I am so proud that I get to be your Mum.
I love you so, so much,